#going through the motions of life
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being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week
the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals
my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?
I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting
#delete later#sorry I’m really frustrated rn#and screaming into the void is a better solution than keeping it bottled up#I really want to disappear rn#I’m not finding enjoyment from the things I love any more#I physically can’t bring myself to write#I’ve been stuck in this survival state since winter#everything feels so bad and overwhelming#I think I need a break or something#I don’t know#I don’t know what’ll help anymore#I don’t know what’ll make me feel better#I just want to cry#all the time#I miss writing. I miss being proud of what I wrote#I miss when I would be able to post something and I was happy with it#when I didn’t feel like I had to rewrite it over and over#I miss feeling like myself#lately I’ve just… felt like a stranger in my own body#going through the motions of life#and y’know what fuck I miss feeling like I was cared for#and loved#but I’m Me so yknow. I don’t get that#maybe I should take a nap
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okay but what if seeing quirkless pro hero Deku on the news inspires quirkless former-pro Takami Keigo to try the whole hero thing again, but this time on his own terms
#mostly he just gets himself into trouble but he also gets himself out of it#and figures out what he really wants to do with the rest of his life or at least with tomorrow#should i write this??#what if (hypothetically) i wanted to write this#what if (hypothetically) i had a phone note#it would serve as a sequel to both there's no good tricks but old ones and object in motion#i've moved through the five stages of grief regarding the epilogue but i personally have a secret sixth stage called 'salvaging'#star wars taught me that the end of the story is going to break your heart and you're just going to have to look around on the ground#for the biggest pieces so you can dust them off and put them back together however you can#liza blather#takami keigo#midoriya izuku#manga spoilers#mha manga spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#spoiler tag the heck out of this post#q
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the thing i keep thinking back to over and over about i saw the tv glow is when owen is like "i have a family of my own now. i love them a lot" and then you NEVER see them, not even a sound, it's just a blip, they're just an empty motion...
#i saw the tv glow#queer people going through the motion of the expected cisheteronormative life path. and it feels so empty and what youre SUPPOSED TO DO#because youre a man now. a real adult.
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Luke dies. Ethan lives, gets assigned long term punishment as a wanderer by the gods, and takes backbiter as his own weapon. Alabaster gets assigned the same punishment and resents Luke. Alabaster and Ethan meet. Discuss.
#lukethan#Luke Castellan#Ethan Nakamura#Alabaster Torrington#PjO#other important info is that Alabaster’s resentment extends to Ethan for multiple reasons#1. Ethan is in love with Luke (is NOT was) 2. Ethan was the closest demigod to Luke 3. Ethan has backbiter#and Ethan is going through the motions of life because he’s undying until he completes the terms of his punishment#yes this is a WIP
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the fun thing about this series is that some characters have really absurd backstories which means i get to give my self insert some bullshit too. he loves phone more than god
#my art#🗃️#the decision to leave the convent was also part of their desire for control over their life that i mentioned before#since they were kind of ushered into it by their family [who were kinda poor + were already catholic so getting one kid to join a nunnery -#-> meant more food on the table for everyone else]#so they were just going through the motions until they were like [mr krabs voice] Wait a minute. i hate catholicism!#their split from the church was mostly amicable in its actual Event since they never became a full-on nun. just a novice!#however i do think it would be funny if they stole like a super old religious artifact from them that was like. straight from the vatican#jury's still out on that but since this franchise has a lot of comedy in it maybe they did#like a sacred blade or some bullshit like that. they use it to scare off merasmus#I SHOULD NOTE this wouldnt be like a serious story thing for them so much as like#funny anecdote that gets brought up once in a while like sollys raccoon sanctuary
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crab of the day is...
the yellow rock crab (metacarcinus anthonyi)
fun fact: i could not find a single fun fact on this boring ass crab. sorry!
#anyone else feel like theyre just going through the motions of being a person#without really feeling any of it?#haha anyways#crab of the day#crab#crabposting#little guy#sea life#wholesome#crabs#yellow
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The book has canon poly, so it hurts even more bc polyamory as a concept actively exists in the universe (polyamory always exists, but you know what I mean)
AND IT WOULD HAVE SAVED THEM!!!!! IT WASNT STIGMATIZED SO THE SOLUTION IS RIGHT THERE
#i didn’t know the book had canon poly!#but akskdkdksjskskdjdn the fact that if all three of them just sat down and got their heads out of their asses and TALKED TOGETHER#Elphaba was only recently Glinda’s friend so worried her crush might ruin that#Glinda was so lost in her own fantasies of being the girlfriend of the handsomest guy and true friends with someone#Fiyero never actually did anything he truly wanted until recently#ough#like yeah i know he only dated Glinda because she was fhe It Girl and he was the It Boy (🎶can i make it anymore obvious🎶)#literally dancing through life. no thoughts. just going through the motions until he is forced to stop and think#and Glinda is so caught up in being beloved by all. the savior and Good Witch while also being doted and spoiled#who she is now….would she even be capable of sharing her boyfriend?#even with her best friend whom she’s grown to love despite her initial prejudices while continuing to cling to shallow affection by all?#man 🫠#Dr Dillamond if only you were still teaching *sigh*#wicked#wicked 2024#asks
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gotta love the juxtaposition of
oh my god i am so fatigued what if my baseline has shifted to this whatever will i do i don't wanna live like this
AND
there's nothing wrong with me i am faking everything and i am just a horrible person and my labs are gonna confirm it oh NO
in my brain bc WHAT
#we love some good ole medical trauma hello#i am going through the Motions™#pls help#one comment from my new doctor and my brain is like. oh no. she has determined u are Faking It so u must be#as if my life is not genuinely worse rn bc i seriously do not have any energy#like. i have not managed to do jackshit the last couple weeks and i feel like my place is becoming a dump bc i cant clean#treating tumblr as my personal diary again bc WHY NOT#chronic illness
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riding a wave of depression to the end of the worst year of my life and realizing that there’s not really anyone i feel safe confiding in… cool, cool, very cool…
#i don’t really have anything to say anyway…#i just feel bad. because things have been bad#it’s pretty simple#i’ve given far more of myself than i think ever existed in the first place and i feel hollow and broken#and all i want is a job offer on the other side of the country so i can run away to a safe place and heal myself#but i’m not getting that until January at the earliest and February or March more likely…#so until then i just have to keep applying for more and going through the motions of life#i am truly BANKING on my ‘winter break’ to make me feel better#bc i feel sooooooo bad rn#i don’t wanna do anything or talk to anybody#but i have to do bird counts all weekend#so no rest for me until Monday#and on Monday i have to help my friend with shit and hang out#and i don’t WANT to hang out#i don’t want to see anyone - i can’t do this anymore#John Darnielle really knew what he was doing when he titled a song ‘No I Can’t.’ with the comma and period included#cuz like. exactly!#NO!!!!!!! I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#(and yet i keep going on like everything is fine)#(haha)#i’m not dying don’t worry#i will be fine once i can TRULY rest#this has just been the worst year of my life and i am grappling with that#and the vast unknowns of the future
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the struggles of writing smut (series edition)
where were we?
going back to the previous chapter to see which room they were in
“…as he lifts her up and presses her against the wall”; previous chapter: they were on a bed
vice versa for this version: “she clenches her fingers around the bedsheets beneath her…”; previous chapter: they were in the living room
did this character give the other a nickname?
going back to the previous chapter to see if they’re naked yet
“…he rips her panties off her skin”; previous chapter: he already stole her panties
and vice versa for this version: “she falls breathless as she watches him smoothly taking his suit off and start unbuttoning his shirt…”; previous chapter: he’s already shirtless
when they’re climaxed/finished and the main/male character wipes his partner clean with his shirt that was tossed in the other room a few chapters ago
“…as he runs his fingers through her silky hair”; previous chapter: her hair is thick and curly
#writelbr#writing life#writing meme#on writing#smut writing#writing struggles#was writing in motion and had to write these down#because that's what I'm going through rn#feel free to add your struggles if you have them
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I knew Micah wasn’t a great guy but I was a fool to think he had any redeeming traits.
#meek’s art#blood cw#tw blood#violence tw#violence cw#gore cw#Micah bell#red dead redemption 2 fanart#red dead redemption two#rdr2#micah rdr2#rdr2 micah#rdr2 spoilers#spoilers#I knew he was bad ever since chapter 2 but it wasn’t until chapter 6 it set in#he has NO good in him… that’s hard for me to stomach because I adore him.#I adore him BECAUSE he is an evil man#but like… Jesus. he is selfish and immoral through and through#bravo to the writers because they managed to make a character so iconic and become my favorite AND most hated#I feel like my feelings are so strong because a part of me died when Arthur died#I ain’t saying I kin the man but I definitely spent weeks think about my life through his eyes#it fucks me up to play RDR2 and then go through life’s motions with the mindset of a man dying of TB#it hurts to reflect on my life and actions with the mindset of an outlaw who’s era is over#it hurts to go through life internalizing the distrust and defeatism prevalent in chapter 5 and 6
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Just wrote an email coming out as nonbinary to the hardest conceivable group: the 5 girls I was friends with in middle school because one of them is inviting us to her pre-wedding Girls Trip And Witchy Women Time. Yikes.
#there's a reason i haven't talked to any of them in years and it's not because i don't like them#it's because i was literally a shell of a person when i knew them going through the motions of both Girl and Life#and it's only through luck that there was something ready to hatch inside that shell and it didn't just fall on the floor and shatter#personal#i got the first email yesterday and had to leave work early because it fucked me up so bad#i've built such a safe community that it's been a while since my dysphoria has gotten actually triggered like that#idk if i'm going to be able to sleep tonight
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i think twelve and clara are starting to make sense to me but i don't think it's what moffat intended or how the ppl that like them see their dynamic
#they are so obsessed with each other but not as people but the ideas of each other.#twelve's whole character to me feels like the grieving immortal that no longer has anything as a buffer#between him and the weight of the universe. so he sees clara as this culmination of every one of the companions he's lost before#and that adds up. what w/ eleven meeting versions of clara and seeing them die. that adds up w/ clara's presence in heaven sent#faceless and just telling him what to do. she is the companion he cannot fail this time (but he also#cannot reconcile how one of the reasons he keeps someone like her around is /because/ she's mortal)#meanwhile clara bc of her time in the tardis and how she was treated by eleven. thinks herself to be more than she is#she thinks she's owed so much in her life and she thinks she can handle all of it. like ten in waters of mars#so she views twelve and the life in the tardis as an affirmation of what's so extraordinary about her#which is also how she sees danny. i think her character really sings if this is the main idea w/ her relationships with others#bc it's how the doctor acted around her when he first met her. not seeing her as a person but as an idea a mystery a means to an end#so of course as someone who becomes more and more like the doctor as time goes on it makes so much sense that this would be so central#just like how w martha's doctorfication arc it was about self-sacrifice and violence and death. bc that's how ten acted around her#twelve and clara still have the standard traits of doctor and companion of course. the doctor saves the companion when they're in trouble.#the companion remembers to care when the doctor forgets. but they're going through familiar motions as they#start to lose more and more of themselves by being around each other. bc they don't really see the other person#and that's why their dynamic is so obsessive and toxic#dr who#12 era#now this reading has made both characters make a lot of sense to me but also this has tanked my enjoyment of hell bent#in how clara's arc resolves. i won't elaborate more on that until i actually get to it on the rewatch though
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wait ok i am rewatching 2.20 and thinking about aromantic dean. what an INCREDIBLE take on him… your mind… the horror of romantic love is such an untapped potential here and i am all for it
YEAH!!!! 2.20 aromantic dean proofs of all time. It would not have been unusual for Dean to envision himself with, say, Cassie. After all, this version of Sam ends up with Jessica. or for Dean to not have a partner in the dream at all! But, Dean's... wife? girlfriend? can't remember if they clarified that. is literally an advertisement. She's even less than an ideal of a person, she's a picture on a page, chosen at random to fill up a part of his life that expectation says should be filled.
it's just another part of this 'wish' that's anything but, right? dean interacts with jess more than he does with her. he certainly interacts a lot more with sam and mary. and the lack of a relationship between him and sam is the driving force for him to really go, This is Wrong and I can't be happy here.
but just. god. the suffocation it reveals about dean, right? that he's so convinced he should want this that he needs to fit Someone into the gap.
aromantic dean so important to me. i love the idea of him forcing himself to be in a romantic relationship with someone because he Should, because they love him and him loving them back is The Right Thing To Do. i need to go find my domestic destiel horror posts this was all over them
#arguably the only romantic relationship dean had on screen where he was happy and comfortable *was* with cassie#which i'd argue only makes it more starkly clear that the rest are him Going Through The Motions.#thats why aromantic dean for me is usually on the grayromantic side#i like the idea that he did. just once. have a serious romantic connection with someone. and it didn't hurt that one time.#so he's convinced that he Could do it again if he forces it hard enough and when he doesn't he thinks the fault lies in him#when really all along. it was just luck and circumstance that he connected with Cassie so well back then.#and he doesn't form that kind of relationship with anyone ever again. and you know. if im feeling nice to him.#i like to think he realizes he doesn't really want or need it. and he's much happier with his brother as his platonic life partner.#when im not feeling nice to him though he does have to feel awful forever because he enforces these expectations on himself <3#and he is never escaping the cycles <3#ask#aro!dean
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Sorry for vanishing guys. I'm still alive, just... taking a break from social media. My mental health has not been kind to me these past few months, and I found that I... Just haven't been able to reblog and do things like I used to on here. Not to mention college. College has been eating up a lot of my time.
I don't know why things are like this for me, but like this they are. I keep telling myself I'll come back one of these days, but so far nothing has stuck.
So yeah. TL;DR: I'm still alive, just gone dormant. I hope to be back one day for real though. When? I do not know. But someday.
#she speaks#life update#even just writing this up#and tagging it#is taking up energy#I feel so damn unmotivated writing wise#stresses of life getting to me I suppose#and just poking around my dash on here#just makes me feel worse#so I haven't been on here#I'm okay though#just...going through the motions I suppose#nobody's fault#I want to write again...#...But I suppose I need rest first#don't I?
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rejected invites 4 different times this halloween i love this life
#i just don't think i like going out anymore#the getting ready and the drinking and talking to people about what's new in my life and listening to music i don't know or like.#it just feel like going through the motions. maybe it's good to go through those motions but i just don't want to#it'll have long term consequences but rn i am sleepy and happy i don't have to be in the world :)#shut up hanna
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